how i lost my virginity on a technicality...and what happened later.

i maintained my virginity throughout high school not due to any strong desire by me, but more a lack of strong desire by my compatriots. since i was 12 or so, i've been irresistible to old perverts, but it took me a little longer to catch on with kids my own age. so it goes...

fresh out of high school and dewy-eyed to the world, i developed a fascination with a boy i would see in a white '63 volvo 122s as i drove to mjc in my '64 122. he was a gorgeous blond goth-boy, and i finally met him because of our cars--he offerred to adjust my clutch--it even sounds dirty!-- and i accompanied him to pick-n-pull to help him pull a driveshaft from another volvo.

to this day, crawling under that car in the junkyard with that boy remains one of the most passionate moments in my life. it sounds so silly, but i remember that we were both on our backs, under the car and i handed him a wrench or something and our arms touched, all greasey and dirty, and he kissed me.

i couldn't believe my good fortune--i'm sure it's oedipal or something, but i couldn't imagine a more perfect place to make out with this golden goth god than under a volvo at pick-n-pull. i guess that's a little weird.


eventually we had to crawl out from under the car and into the real world again. we made plans to meet again that night and i went home to clean up and plan the proper nonchalance and story for my mom for the night.

i was wearing my favorite dress when i met him--a blue plaid sundress that was about as thick as a sheet of kleenex and which i wore with proud bosom and no bra. we drove around in my car for a while and then stopped at a park where he very clumsilly tried to arouse me with his bare feet in ways that are best left to the imagination. i feared that the moment had passed, but when he asked me if i wanted to go back to where he lived with his grandmother to see his scratch-and-sniff strawberries album by the damned--we both loved them--i headed that way.

once we snuck in (so as not to wake elderly caregivers), the moment was back. the damned was on the turntable and we were all over the room , black light lit and glowing white cotton panties tossed to the floor.

we were both in this sort of frenzy and there was the moment of penetration and i thought "condom" and "girlfriend" about the same time, and had the misfortune of mentioning the latter before the former.

talk about a mood killer.

he said they "had an open relationship, but not this open", and so i gathered up my clothes and got dressed and he walked me out.

as i was leaving--i don't know what possessed me or why i did this--i stood in the middle of the courtyard of his apartment and took off my dress and sort of spun around. my naked body at 18 was a force to be reckoned with and i think i just wanted to torment him a little, which i did.

i put my dress back on and laughed as i got into my car and drove home with the windows open, both satiated and on fire.

it wasn't until a couple of days later that i realized that it counted--that his penis had been inside of me and that was "the rule". felt a bit cheated, but he had satisfied me in so many other ways that i guess i didn't really care. i proceeded to get a boyfriend and have completely uninspired and unfulfilling sex for the next six months or so. he joined the airforce or some such and left town.

but, you know, there's a little PS to this story that makes it even dearer to my heart than stories of boys that i've loved.

about five years later i was visiting modesto and went out to the tiki lounge with my friend jose and his girlfriend. i hadn't been home in a while and i was having fun, getting drunk, being with old friends...i got up from our thatched-roof hut of a booth and went to the bathroom--when i came out, there he was. we hadn't talked more than a couple of times since that night, but we both knew we had unfinished business and neither of us was wasting time with questions.

we got a motel room at the tropics, next door, and did all the things we could think of to do--at some point, he got chewing gum in his hair and i hit my head on the shower door hard enough to get a huge lump--but the most amazingly satisfying thing about it all was knowing, having him say that he remembered that day and had wondered and been obsessed all this time, like i had.

we had sex a couple of other times through the years when i would come to visit, but it was always sort of tawdry. our transaction had been completed and we could never go back to the afternoon we met or the night we consummated the deal.

it was perfect then, so it had nowhere to go but down.