"it's gonna be so nice...when the easter bunny comes..."

i remember having a dream when i was a little girl. i was wearing my blue, fake fur coat and it was easter and the tree in the dent elementary school playground was covered with candy and i was picking it up off the ground and filling my pockets. it was so real and i remember waking up and being sure there would be something in my pockets, but there wasn't. i still remember that dream, almost more clearly than i remember some of the things that actually happened when i was a little kid.

i've always loved easter. it's a chocolate-based holiday to me and always has been. there is no religious significance. we didn't go to church or sit around and think about jesus or anything. we just went to bed the night before with a purer sort of anticipation than with christmas and then woke up easter morning to open what was often just a brown paper bag my mother would have decorated with the back of a bunny, drawn in crayon: large circle for body, smaller circle on top for a head and a tiny round tail--ears, one erect, one flopped at half-mast. inside would be a pez dispenser and candy and sometimes a stuffed animal, like dozey, the little sheep i got one year. and we would eat the candy and watch rex harrison in doctor doolittle on the television and maybe hunt for eggs like way back when my folks were still together and my dad hid a green egg up in the willow tree for me to find.

i've been thinking about easter tonight, listening to the mountain goats ("but you'd better be nice or the easter bunny's gonna strike your name out from the little red book with silver hinges on it that he carries") and i guess i sort of wish i had something to replace easter in my life. something to replace my father and my childhood and my boyfriends and all the things that used to be simple and good and are now just dead and gone.

i can't remember the last good, right thing that i did.

october 2, 2003