richard was my first boyfriend.

richard was my first boyfriend. i didn't get much play in high school, due to my general freakishness and the fact that i only seemed attractive to dirty old men, but once i got out of high school, i was ready to rumble and there was a whole world full of boys--richard was just one of them in the background for a while, while i dallied with justin under my volvo, but he soon became the main feature.

the first conversation we had was about masturbation and menstruation and i impressed him with my honesty or some such. basically, no matter how embarassed i was about something, i would never admit it, so i spilled it.

the fact of my honesty seemed to be the thing that really endeared me to richard and finally, one day, he asked me if i would be interested in having a "god" for a boyfriend, and i said yes. our first date was a halloween party and he dressed as the joker and i was the prom queen and we had a good ol' time.

everything was great for the first couple of weeks and then it started to go downhill. the sex was no good, but he didn't have the decency to just know that and not make me comment on it. i started crying a lot and managed to have a pregnancy scare and finally decided that the best way to break up with someone was to move far away, so i moved to yosemite, eventually broke up with richard and made him hate me for about five years, during which time he would bring up my name to mutual friends merely to tell stories about how EEEEEvil i am (picture fist clenching with that comment) and then i finally got sick of that and so i decided we should make up.

i've pretty much been one of his only friends since then. i joke that he's still waiting for me to come back, but i worry that it's not a joke.

so that was my entree into the wonderful world of boyfriends.

bachelor #2 likes crack and eavesdropping...

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